Right now I work two part-time jobs.
One of the jobs was one I was supposed to be leaving for the other. The boss is a dick and I just didn’t want to deal with his micromanaging shit anymore.
But when when I turned in my notice, he got all friendly with me, offered me a raise, and said he would try to work around my schedule so he could still give me some hours.
My co-workers thought this was hilarious until I told them I was actually considering his offer. And that I wouldn’t take it unless they got a raise too (which the deserved and haven’t gotten in the years they’ve been there).
The “new”job was a linear move – I would be working more days per week, but for less hours for more pay. In other words, I would be making the same amount of money at the “new” just as I did at the old, and it would be a better environment.
My partner agreed with the move. We are not in the position where I need to be making enough to help pay the house note.
Despite his reassurances however, I have horrible, HORRIBLE money anxiety.
So, I told my old boss I would work one day a week at the old job while I got settled in the new and then we’d go from there.
We’re now at the “go from there” part of the narrative, and I don’t know what to do.
If I pick up another day at the the old job while still working the new, I would have a straight 5-day workweek with no break other than in the mornings. Between the two jobs, I would be making just about what I made before I left my library job, which wasn’t much but it was enough to make me feel like I was contributing to our monthly bills.
But I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the household chores, errand-running, and more importantly, my writing.
My writing was the whole reason why I quit libraries in the first place, what my partner and I discussed when we were trying to figure out what I wanted to do.
“Just write,” he keeps saying, “Write if you want to write. Don’t worry about money or anything else, we’re fine.”
Also, it’s nice to have someone home more to be with the cats, who have bad separation anxiety and can be high maintenance because of it sometimes.
I know I sound whiny. I know I’m super, super privileged to be given this opportunity, and I shouldn’t have anything to complain about.
I know there are people who write books while working full time and raising a family single-handedly.
I know there are people who work40+ hours a week, are responsible for taking care of children and sick family members, AND have to find time to write IN SECRET because their partners and family don’t support it.
I know there are people out there who are raising families, work 40+ hours a week, and write all while FIGHTING CANCER.
My problems are small. Not even a spec on the radar.
But to me, they feel big.
I have one day off a week right now -and on that day I’m so tired I can barely do anything, much less write.
Yes, I have weekends. Thank goodness. But it’s nice being able to do more during the week while my partner is at work so that we can spend the weekends relaxing or doing fun things.
But also, *money.*
I don’t know if I want to continue freelancing. I don’t make enough money for it to really feel worthwhile and I feel like I spend a lot of time and energy on projects only to have nothing left to work on MY stuff. And if I can’t work on my stuff,then what’s the point?
However, if I leave the first job permanently and stop trying to freelance, is that still considered the best use of my time?
To sum up, I’m used to surviving – scrapping by with just enough to get through the end of the month.
But now I’ve been given the opportunity to do more than survive – I’ve been given the opportunity to live.
And I don’t know how to do it.
Next time I see my jerk on a boss, I’m going to have to tell him SOMETHING; whatever that is will probably reflect on how I’m feeling in that moment. Who knows what that will be?
Regardless of what I do, I trust in my ability to adapt. If I end up working both jobs for the full week, I’ll get back into the habit of getting up earlier and doing the dishes right away rather than letting them sit.
If I quit the old job and end up just working the new, I’ll try to write and publish more short stories, work on my novel(s), and take classes so I can keep getting better.
This “transitional” period I’m in right now has taught me a lot of things – things I would probably be better off not knowing but might as well do something with now that I know them.
For example, did you know that tea gets moldy?!